Okay, so I had a request for this particular post. For this
post I'm going to go more into depth about some incidents from the first random
post. In the first post I talked briefly about the death of my beloved Paw-paw
and the outcome of my emotions and actions. I was emotionally destroyed. I
became depressed and incapable to handle almost the simplest task without
sitting and crying for hours. As mentioned in the first post I barely came out of my
room. My school work was a disaster, and I was a complete mess. I didn't smile,
laugh, I didn't enjoy life itself. Life itself as I knew was over, my world was
destroyed, and I was nothing. For the longest time I blamed myself,
although I knew that it was something I had no control over, because his
death was caused by lung cancer, but I still continued to blame myself. For
about four to five years I wasn't myself. I basically hide myself from
everyone and everything. During those four or five years I was dark, my
thoughts weren't pleasant, I did things that were stupid and that I regret,
internal and external marks/scars are left behind to remind me. A lot of
people that know my story from my voice have asked me, “How did you overcome
all your problems?” my answer is talking about whatever the problem is... If
you don't talk about what’s bothering you then you can never get the help you
need. I had to talk to my doctor almost every day for those years and see
two psychologist, and most people think that their parents/guardians
wouldn't care, but I'm pretty sure that they would be with you step by step all
the way, because I know my mother was. It didn't matter how stupid some of the
things I did was or how horrifying details got, or how bad the problem
escalated to she was there by my side. I was ridiculed and tormented and every
day I wanted to end it all... No matter how bad it gets there's always hope, my
hope was my sisters and my friends and family. My sisters played a huge part in
helping, because they got me to sit and think about what I was thinking about
doing, tried to do, or done. They would make me think about if I did end my
life what they would have to live with. After this past year things gradually
got better and I slowly returned to my old self. The life I lived before scared
me, and everyone around me. I still have my moments where I shut down, but I
actually live the life I want to live now. When I tell my story, I don't share
my story for sympathy or for "special treatment". I share my story to
inspire other people that is or have been through similar problems and that have
experienced what I did, I share it to let them know that their not the only
ones. That there is a person who care and wants to help. It’s depressing stuff
to read, and it’s more depressing to go through it. There's people who say to
me," You don't know what I'm dealing with", and I may not, but I do
know that keeping emotions bottled up isn't what you want. I believe that no matter
how embarrassing, scary, or stupid the situation is, just talk about it,
because you'll feel better about yourself once you get it off your shoulders.
Whether it’s a friend, doctor, parents/guardian, grandparents, or even a stuffed
bear, just talk. Ramble on and on about what it is that is bothering you.
If you don't feel like talking randomly to someone about it, then talk to someone
close or that you know that has been through it. I tell everyone I know, if you
need to talk about anything to please come and talk to me and not to be afraid.
If anyone is in that position or has those feelings, feel free to come talk to
me, call me, email me to talk. I'm sure there are other people that will say
the same thing.